Introduction
     We offer this article with the assurance that readers can deal more positively, constructively and usefully with their anger by using the help offered by our loving heavenly Father. Your comments and questions are welcome.
    ln applying the lessons contained herein, you may find it helpful to carefully study the content on the first reading, and then reread it a week or two after your first reading and whenever anger becomes an issue.
    In the text, and in Scripture quotations, you will find the personal name of the Creator, Yahweh, and the given Name of His Son, and our Savior, Yahshua. These Names are used in several versions of the Bible and are today, coming into more common usage. Moreover, the Hebrew term Elohim – translated ‘god’ in most English Bibles – and meaning, mighty being’, may also be used interchangeably.

What is Anger?
     Expressing anger can range from showing annoyance, pouting, sulking, being critical, throwing tantrums, screaming, throwing things, and even casting physical blows with the intention of inflicting injury. Anger produces natural consequences, too. Besides becoming sin, anger can make one look like a fool and even, affect one’s health and wellness of being.
    Anger can lead to estrangement in family relationships, divorce, murder, and even war. Anger is perpetrated in the mind and executed out of the abundance of the heart. Often, anger usurps the authority from Yahweh of requiting vengeance to Whom vengeance belongs (Deut. 32:35) and Who promises to recompense (Rom. 12:19) for a perceived hurt.
    There are several natural consequences of the anger response. It can make one look like a fool, lead to sin and also hurt one’s health. The psalmist advises to, Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil, Psalms 37:8. (English Standard Version used throughout, unless otherwise noted.)
    Consider the patriarchs Abraham and Isaac. They called upon Yahweh by Name and Yahweh called Abraham His friend. Angry? Why?
    People will justify becoming angry by clothing its expression with righteous indignation which is often equated with Yahweh’s anger which is always just, and not usually expressed until His patient long suffering has been exhausted … and that, for good reason. For example:
    “They have made me jealous with what is no god; they have provoked me to anger with their idols …” (Deut. 32:21)..
    “And they burned their sons and their daughters as offerings and used divination and omens and sold themselves to do evil in the sight of the Yahweh, provoking him to anger” (2 Kings 17:17).
    Pride is probably the most common reason for anger. It results from the need to exercise power over others; to have control over a situation; or to be thought perfect. This anger is predicated on feeling inadequate (“fear has torment,” 1 John 4:18) and challenges to this self-appointed ‘authority’, or to one’s self-esteem, are met with the only defense left him: ANGER! For Elohim gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control, 2 Timothy 1:7. And so, we may conclude that if Yahweh has not given us a spirit of fear – emotional insecurity, low self-esteem – these have, therefore, only proceeded from the adversary.  
    Leaning not to one’s own understanding; trusting in, and acknowledging Yahweh in all His ways, and allowing Him to direct his matters (Prov. 3:5-6), will overcome pride, doubt, and insecurity. “Trust in Yahweh … Delight yourself in Yahweh … Commit your way to Yahweh … He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before Yahweh and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil” (Psa. 37:3-7).
    A second reason people become angry and lose their temper is because their parents did not properly train, nurture, and correct their behavior. Parents who yield to their children’s tantrums but cultivates a habit that will affect the child’s adult life. Parents need to teach their children that rage is not acceptable, and that resolving differences is what works. A good rule for parents to follow is,
    Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it, Proverbs 22:6 and,
    Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Master, Ephesians 6:4. 
    Thirdly, stress often changes one’s normal response to others. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men, Romans 12:18, KJV. The key phrase here, is not “if it be possible” but, “as much as lies in you.” Whenever possible, manage stress by taking care of important things BEFORE important things become urgent.
    Fourth, before becoming angry toward another person, consider that they, too, might be experiencing some kind of stress. There are many reasons why a person may do something that irritates you: Health issues; diet; family relationships; home or workplace environment; alcohol or substance abuse; the way they were raised; news media reports; consequences of choices made, etc. More often than not, we become angry with those we love: spouse, children, parents or siblings. Patience … kindness … forgiveness – it starts right here, at home.

Avoiding Anger: The Rage-Proof Person
     Wouldn’t it be nice to be a person who never loses his temper, doesn’t get walked all over for never losing his temper, and enjoys peace in his home and his job? Wouldn’t it be nice for his family, friends and associates? Yahweh, our loving heavenly Father, has provided ways for us to move toward that goal. Anyone can become rage-proof.
    Anger is experienced by every feeling person. Anger is a natural emotion, often expressed when one feels he’s been injured. Anger may be a righteous expression. There is nothing wrong with becoming angry if someone has wronged someone you love, or to a little one or a defenseless person.
    How we handle anger, however, may determine whether or not, we sin because one’s reaction to an offense can be more grievous than either the offense or the offender.
    The Scriptures severally read,
    “Be angry and do not sin … If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Eph. 4:26; Rom. 12:18).

How to Become More Anger-Resistant
     Modern psychology advises you to “express your anger, don’t hold it in; let it all out.” Not only is this not Scriptural, but it doesn’t usually produce a good outcome. Yahweh has given us good, orderly ways of handling problems. Shouting, throwing things, and harming another are not solutions. Don’t let problems go unresolved. Yahshua had good advice about how to handle anger issues. In the sermon on the mount, He said,
    You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment. But I say to you, that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny,” Matthew 5:21-26.
    The right way in which to handle anger is to solve problems by taking the initiative toward forgiving past wrongs and seeking to become reconciled with those whom you have hurt and with those who have hurt you (see also, Matthew 18:15; Luke 17:3-4), and then displace the hurt and the wanting to pursue revenge with love. It’s a process that requires work. It does not happen automatically. Here are some steps you can take:
    1) Be proactive. Proactive is the opposite of reactive. Reaction to stimulus is what we expect of an animal or an object. Remember the science lesson: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?” That is true for mass and energy, but it need not define our attitudes and behaviors. We have been given free will with which to respond to stimuli. That means, you choose your response to any stimulus. No matter what you experience of others, you get to choose either to respond with a smile and a gentle word, or become angry and make the worst speech you’ve ever made. Choosing to respond patiently, kindly, and lovingly when it might seem more appropriate to express anger, might just diffuse an already bad circumstance or situation.
    If you have to deal with an angry person, don’t add fuel to the fire. Be careful not to advance provocation. Don’t give the other reason for taking offense. Respond, true to your values and principles.
    Not only do you have the freedom to choose your response, you have the responsibility to choose the path of love.
    You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” But I say to you, “Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.” You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect,” Matthew 5:38-48.
    2) Don’t mind other people’s business: Before you allow your anger to rise, ask yourself; is this my affair? ls this for me to be angry about? Don’t get mad about something that shouldn’t affect you at all. Remember the parable of the workers who thought their pay was unfair? All had agreed to work for an established pay, but when they who had but toiled one hour received as much as they which had borne the burden and heat of the day, these latter forgot what they had contracted for, and became angry, not appreciating that it was lawful for the owner of that vineyard to do as he would with his own. Why should they have become angry with the vintner who chose to exercise a particular beneficence to these last, when the other received what was owed them? (Matt. 20:1-16).
    3) M.Y.O.B. (Mind Your Own Business)! Concentrate on the one part of the world you can do something about: your own thoughts and actions. Remember, another person’s anger, is not your problem, unless you have wronged them. Otherwise their rage is between them and Yahweh. If their anger is hurting you, then treat it as you would any other hurt – with patience, gentleness, and forgiveness. Show yourself an example of good works, sobriety of mind, and sound speaking that cannot be condemned, so that he that takes the part against you may be embarrassed because he has nothing evil to say about you (Titus 2:7-8). Once again, do not provoke a person who is enraged. Their rage may do a lot of damage. If relationships with others are often punctuated with anger, you may have to withdraw from that relationship.
    4) Pray about it. There is no situation so difficult that Yahweh cannot make it right. By prayer you can influence anything. Rather than choosing to attack the one whom you feel has hurt you, bring the problem to the One Who can do something about it, Yahweh. Pray for yourself, that you may learn whatever lesson Yahweh wants to teach you. Pray for the other person that he might obtain what he needs, and pray for others who may be affected by the problem. Cling to the promise, Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand delivers me, Psalms 138:7.

Diffusing Situations Which Make You Angry
     A relationship can sometimes degenerate due to negativity. Let your own behavior be positive at all times. One approach toward being more positive, is to ask another to help you by letting you know when they feel you are being negative. When conversations become heated, there are some ways to help turn down the temperature.
    • Don’t snap at the bait – Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, James 1:19; 
    • Let your own words stay calm, positive and few – When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent, Proverbs 10:19; 
    • Excuse yourself for a few minutes. Let things settle down – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law, Galatians 5:22-23;
    • When you return, apologize and say something positive, complimentary and what you both value in your relationship;
    • Tell the other person you can see their point, and that you appreciate their willingness to work together on a solution.
    The goal is to resolve the problem and then drop it, forever. Of course, this can be hard to do. Sometimes, we try to avoid talking about a problem and yet, we’re unable to erase it from memory. Yahshua told us that maintaining anger in our hearts is not acceptable. He declared that if we from our hearts forgive not everyone their trespasses, neither shall have forgiveness from our Heavenly Father (Matt. 6:15, 18:35).

“… Love Covers a Multitude of Sins” (1 Pet. 4:8) 
     Many times, the person hurting you does not want to hurt you. He or she may be someone who loves you. If they understood you were being hurt, they would try to stop doing the thing that hurts. On the other hand, sometimes, the other wants to hurt you just because he feels that something you are doing is purposed to hurt him. However, regardless from whom the hurt proceeds, the bottom line is, that if you love one another, then you should both want to stop the reasons for hurting and resume your relationship. Here are some ways to do that.
    Cool down: You can’t be expected to deal with any serious situation in the heat of passion. It’s alright to say to the other person, “I’m upset, but I don’t want to say or do something wrong. Let’s take a short time to cool down and collect our thoughts. We can discuss it again in a little while when we’re both ready and comfortable talking.” Usually, this will be acceptable. Even if it is not acceptable with the other person, you must still avoid dealing with a problem in a state of agitation. That would not be fair to either person.
    Another key to unlocking difficult situations is to get the facts about the matter of dispute – “then you shall inquire, search out, and ask diligently. And see if the matter is true and established” (Deut. 13:14). Don’t we feel foolish when we take action based on some wrong assumption? Don’t let that happen. Play it cool until you know the facts. Consider, there might be other concerns neither expressed nor obvious, too.
    A person may certainly have done something which hurts you but the reason for his action may be outside of his control. (Recall we mentioned why a person’s behavior or attitude may irritate you: Health issues; diet; family relationships; home or workplace environment; alcohol or substance abuse; the way they were raised; news media reports; consequences of choices made, etc.) Moreover, in today’s world and all the stressors it provides, it’s surprising anyone can be pleasant and nice.

As Parents, Dealing with Anger
     There is a very common and dangerous anger which lies deep within many of today’s children. This problem is not restricted to unbelievers!
    Parenting can be taxing and inconvenient. What to do when the baby won’t stop crying, and he’s had a good nap, been fed, his diaper’s been changed, and cuddled and cradled in father’s or mother’s arms? Or, what about siblings quarreling with each other while the parent is involved in some activity?
    Or, the child comes home from school with a note from the teacher or principal concerning his participation in a classroom or playground disturbance? Or, the older child has gotten into trouble with the law, and the parent is summoned to the police station?
    As our children grow, it seems that both the joys and the problems grow with them. Toddlers somehow grow through childhood into complex young people who, like certain birds, seem to require almost their weight in food every day. Just as the growing minds can become a delight of fresh conversation, teens can also turn awry in creative or peer-mimicking ways.
    And throughout the growth and development of their children, good parents know that they must be sure of the facts and never discipline their children while angry. Parenting is challenging and the risks are grave.
    Even ‘religious’ parents have relationship problems with their children – anger problems, which left unresolved, grow worse as the child grows older often becoming volatile as the child grows into the teens and early adulthood, often resulting in children leaving home as soon as they can and before they are adults, or staying home as vagrants at their parents’ expense, and given over to sexual promiscuity, alcohol, and drugs and otherwise, becoming criminal in their behavior.
    A parent who unwittingly contributed to such problems may not, of their own abilities, have the resources toward working to resolve these anger issues at this latest stage. They can only watch with grief of mind and sorrow of heart as their son or daughter runs at top speed toward self-destruction.
    So, let’s look at some ways to prevent this last worst-case scenario from happening to our children.
    It is the parents’ responsibility to teach their child right from wrong and to motivate the child to do right. Many have thought this could best be achieved by forcing the child to do right. But there is a subtle difference between motivating and forcing children, and this latter will doom the parent-child relationship to becoming adversarial.
    These parents are looking for every little thing their child may do wrong, while the child is looking for every little way he can get away with doing something wrong – often in spite to his parents. Yahweh looks at the heart attitude, and that should also be the focus of our parenting.
    The best approach is asking Yahweh for wisdom, understanding, and discernment. Some things might be figured out, owing to past experience. But some issues – particularly, anger issues –may require a different approach. But there is never a time to withdraw your love from your child.
    Once again, pray, be cool, judge nothing before the time, don’t answer matters before they’ve been heard, and be sure of all the facts, because we have a responsibility as parents to guide our children and we need to deal with the hurt inflicted by our children in a special way. A misbehaving child or youth still needs lots of love but mixed also, with firmness and helpful teaching. Remember, Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged … but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Master, Colossians 2:21; Ephesians 6:4.
    Never stop praying for your children … and your grandchildren, and don’t be surprised when that troublesome teen becomes a responsible, caring adult. When children are grown up and have moved away, parents still have a duty to provide a good example, teach, and guide their adult children in the right ways.
    If you’ll reflect upon your own childhood, you, too, may have thought your parents opposed to every whim you conceived. While that is common, it should become a matter of concern when that is the way a child always thinks of his parents.
    Parents need to understand it is their responsibility to work together to create and nurture a healthy relationship with their children. The parents have the sole responsibility for lovingly making sure the child’s attitudes are right. No little child has the ability to do that. We can’t blame a two-year-old, or even a fifteen-year-old, for the bad attitude he or she has toward his or her parents. A child’s attitude depends on the attitude of the parents.
    The correct relationship parents need to foster toward their children is that they are on their side. When the child succeeds, it will be because the parents have succeeded. We want the best for them and we will do whatever is necessary to help them grow to be happy adults who love Yahweh and are themselves, successful in their business, social, and family relationships.
    This does not mean we will let our 12-year-old drive the family car on the highway. And what is our response when he asks to do that? It shouldn’t be an angry, “Of course not! Don’t even ask such a stupid question!” Better, we should explore his idea with him until we both agree that it might be exciting to consider, but it would be too dangerous, and perhaps harmful, if he actually did drive the family car on the highway. An angry reply would probably produce anger in the child. He may not express that anger, but it would simmer under the surface and he’d just add it to the many other times he had been put down and frustrated.
    Simmering, below-the-surface anger is one of the most destructive and difficult-to-correct anger issues. On the surface, a child may be compliant, but inside, he’s full of hatred, anger, and rebellion … just waiting for the opportunity to get away, or to get even, or run wild. He may leave home and be found in some kind of trouble a few days later.
    So, one of the most important things we need to teach our children is dealing with their hurt and anger. The times of being hurt are critical, tipping points in their developing attitudes. If they learn to deal constructively with being hurt, they will be far more successful in their lives. If each hurt is an occasion for a fight, a tantrum, or a grudge, then they are moving toward a life of misery and pain for themselves and their family.
    Help your children to move up from the most primitive response to being hurt toward the most successful response. Teach your children, while they are still under your tutelage (Gal. 4:1-2) to immediately forgive … completely, and to thoroughly discuss their anger issues toward resolution. And as we teach, we, too, will learn.

See a Lot; Correct Little; Overlook Much
     Remember the principles: cool down, pray, judge nothing before the time, don’t answer matters before they’ve been heard, and get the facts – remember, inquire, search out, and ask diligently, and see if the matter is true and established.
    If possible, overlook the hurt. Often, that’s the best way to resolve most problems. Yahweh is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy (Psa. 145:8). Many times, in His dealing with ancient Israel, Yahweh turned away His anger, forgave their iniquities, and did not stir up all His wrath (Psa. 78:38). And this, He did, as an example to us.
    The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression, Proverbs 19:11, NKJV.
    He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city, Proverbs 16:32, NKJV.
    Carrying those old hurts is burdensome and really slows you down. Drop them now, and be free of the burden! The forgiving person is truly blessed. When old hurts take a lot of your attention, and even control you, think instead of something Yahshua said:
    For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father shall also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither shall your Father forgive your trespasses, Matthew 6:14-15. 
    Forgive, and be forgiven. Forgiveness can put you back into control. Forgiveness is not only the best way to resolve a problem, it is best for you, as it is written:
    Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as Elohim for Messiah’s sake hath forgiven you, Ephesians 4:31-32, KJV.
    We acknowledge, there are some hurts that still linger and can’t seem to be disposed of. Don’t pretend to forgive a trespass if you can’t really forget the trespass. The offense that persists or is repeatedly inflicted, is a serious problem that must be settled. Sometimes, open rebuke is required (Prov. 27:5). Don’t conceal the problem behind a screen of feigned friendliness! Initiate the method Yahshua prescribed in Matthew 18:15-18. Go to the offending party and seek to resolve the matter together. Following are some suggestions that may be useful in guiding your approach.
    1) Your peacemaking effort will be much more fruitful if you can begin by praying together, if possible, invoking Yahweh to guide your meeting.
    2) Enter the conversation with confidence that you will find a solution. Focus on a solution rather than on the anger. That is past. Only the future matters. Where we’ve been is important only because it has brought us to where we are now. And where we will be tomorrow, depends upon what we do now.
    3) You may want to bring a small gift (a peace offering) and a kind word to show that you are, indeed, coming in love (Prov. 21:14). Don’t concern yourself that this will be misinterpreted. A gesture proceeding out a heart of love will help solve the problem.
    4) Acknowledge there are few problems between two people in which one person is wrong and the other is 100% pure and innocent. Search your own attitudes, express the cause of your anger and then own and sincerely admit your stake in the problem.
    5) Be eager to compromise, but the job isn’t done if the solution leaves you continuing to feel hurt.
    6) Warmly accept a sincere apology if offered. And let the other’s contrition cover a multitude of trespasses – in other words, 70 x 7 times … too numerous to count, so don’t bother. A verbal apology is very important, but it is only the beginning of making things right. One cannot just talk his way out of a problem that he behaved himself into.
    7) If, after this attempt, the problem(s) persists, ask a mutual friend or two whom you both respect to help in the discussions (Matt. 18:16). Approach this new discussion with the thought there must have been something you missed when you tried working it out yourselves. If the other party is a member of the Assembly, then ask the Elders to help you to reestablish relationship. A long-standing problem between two members is a problem that needs resolution to ensure the continuing health of the Assembly. The Elders have experience in helping people solve problems and they will pray with you, and pray for you, and apply Yahweh’s Word in resolving matters of dispute. If these efforts have not produced the desired end, the Elders can arrange for a meeting of the Assembly to bring the matter to a conclusion (Matt. 18:17).
    This is the procedure commanded by the Messiah. Like all the other things He told us to do, it’s good for us and it works. If you love someone, you should talk together about matters of dispute before anger sets in and remember: A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up, Proverbs 15:1.

Agreements about Anger
     1) If I feel like I’m being hurt in any way that could make me angry toward you, I promise to tell you as soon as we are alone together – before it gets out of hand.
    2) When I get angry at you for any reason, I promise never to attack you. l won’t blame you, criticize you, or try to hurt you in any other way. I’ll let you know why the matter is important to me, and just tell you what I desire or wish you would do or not do.
    3) If one of us is hurt by the other in any way, let’s promise to work together to eliminate, or at least, to minimize the hurt. We’ll look upon such occasions as a good opportunity for expressing our love.
    Remember, as followers of Yahshua, we are not permitted to harbor anger. The goal is to resolve problems and then drop them, forever. Indeed, how you retain anger if you would kneel down together and ask Yahweh to be a third party to your discussion and to open your minds so that its outcome would be understanding and love for each other?
    How can you keep anger in your relationship if you kneel down together and ask Yahweh to be with you as a party in your discussion and to open your minds? What do you think? A soft answer turns away wrath; but a harsh word stirs up anger, Proverbs 15:1.

Love, a Solution to Problems
     We have learned that Yahshua taught that anger is not permitted believers. Anger is “against our religion.” Next, we will look at how believers can love away their problems while at the same time, obtain other benefits.
    Yahshua has provided us help in solving the problems we all have. Besides giving us eternal salvation, He has provided ways to save us from problems every day, as well. Let’s look at some of the great benefits obtained by using love to solve, and to avoid problems, we tend to make for ourselves every day.
    Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of Yahweh, and everyone who loves has been born of Yahweh, and knows Yahweh. The one who does not love has not known Yahweh. For Yahweh is love. In this the love of Yahweh was revealed in us, because Yahweh sent His only begotten Son into the world that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved Yahweh, but that He loved us and sent His Son [to be] the propitiation concerning our sins. Beloved, if Yahweh so loved us, we ought also to love one another. … We love Him because He first loved us. If anyone says, I love Yahweh, and hates his brother, he is a liar. For if he does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love Yahweh whom he has not seen? And we have this commandment from Him, that he who loves Yahweh should love his brother also, 1 John 4:7-11, 19-21, NKJV.

Think: “Win-Win”
     There are two basic principles that we can use to avoid and solve problems between people. They can be summarized as loving and listening.
    “Win-Win” is a short way of saying that we work things out so that each of the people involved in a situation wins. Nobody loses. One might say, “This is not using love to solve a problem; it’s just good sense.” On the other hand, the Win-Win principle may be just another way of saying,
    So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets, Matthew 8:12. If you approach a situation with the idea, “I’m going to get what I want, and the other person can look out for himself,” then you’ve just cheated yourself. How? because you can’t keep disregarding someone without hurting the relationship between you and the other. Without strong, personal relationships, your life will become pointless, vain, and empty. Also, you cannot nurture a few good relationships, and deal arrogantly with most other people at the same time. You need to deal consistently with all people.
    In good, long-term relationships, both parties win. Each gives to the other and each receives more than they give. How is this possible? It’s called synergy: when two or more work together, they produce more than they could when working separately. The extra part, which can be quite large, can be used by both so that each gets more than he gave! However, when one person is taking more than he is giving, synergy breaks down, and both lose a great deal.
    No two people are identical in manner and in thought. There will be difference in relationships, but difference doesn’t have to be a well-bred word for a fight. Synergy depends on the contribution two different people make to something. They each supply something the other doesn’t have.
    Often, difference is the key to getting through a hard spot that could have stopped the progress of one person working alone for a long time. Difference is what gives a good team that slight edge. We need to learn to enthusiastically embrace the differences we find in others without ever compromising our own values or coming too close to evil.
    This principle of difference working synergistically can be understood by the following passages of Scripture:
    Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! … And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12.
    For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened, but that as a matter of fairness your abundance at the present time should supply their need, so that their abundance may supply your need, that there may be fairness, 2 Corinthians 8:12-14. 
    Find the pleasure in synergy. Find the value in those differences. Find the blessings in working together: Accomplishment, learning, and good fellowship are a few of the blessings you will find.
    Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! Psalms 133:1.

Conclusion: Understand, then be Understood
     Understanding is a great key toward solving problems. Oftentimes, before making your own point, endeavor to know how the other person thinks, and what might make him think that way. Sometimes, a better approach than making declarative statements is to ask questions. Let the other talk without interrupting, except for questions asked for the purpose of the other clarifying what was said. That be will be your first challenge: Being swift to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19) But listening instead of talking is also a good way to avoid inciting anger.
    While you’re trying to understand, don’t make judgment statements on what you are being told. First, listen and understand all that’s being told you. When you listen, it doesn’t mean that you are showing approval for ideas that you think are wrong, just that you hear and understand them. The time for explanations will come later.
    Listening is a great gift, a loving gift, to give to a person. It’s a tool that can be used to solve problems and assuage anger. If you are a good listener, you may even learn some things that will help you. After you have given your total attention to the other person, you might briefly – the key word here, is briefly – reply with any thoughts you have about what you were told. Just think how much your approach will be appreciated by the other, how much better you will be prepared to answer with the right words, and how much more openly you will be received.
    What would you think of a physician who heard the first general symptom, a pain in the stomach, and then immediately gave a prescription or suggested an operation? He that gives an answer to a matter before he hears, it is a folly and a shame to him, Proverbs 18:13.
    Be wise – listen! Work diligently to keep your relationships Win-Win, and always seek first to understand. This is the way of love.
    Therefore be imitators of Yahweh, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Messiah loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to Yahweh, Ephesians 5:1-2.
    Yahweh has called us to peace, and peace is found by putting away all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander with all malice. Yes, peace is found in being kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Yahweh by Messiah, has forgiven you (Eph. 4:21-32).
    These are the ways of love. To learn more, you may want to read Stephen R. Covey’s, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
    May Yahweh bless your life with the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Gal. 5:22-23).